Getting it out

This could be a little messy...

I love Cedar City. I love it so much. I am so incredibly sick of this school though. There are only a few friends who are actually keeping me here next semester...well and the location. I have fallen in love with this area. I actually LIKE the cold sometimes.. miracle I know. I also really REALLY like my new apartment. It's so homey and nice...I seriously could stay there all day.
So, this past week was Thanksgiving (and my birthday!). I honestly love Thanksgiving with all of my heart. It was off this year though...the vibe was very different. It was weird without my mom and Allie there and this was the first year it wasn't held in my own house. This year everyone stayed either at Grandmas house or at Erin's new apartment. I miss having my own space in St. George...I didn't think that it would make me so sad to not have the house there anymore... My home is officially Cedar now. I drove by my house while I was in town and lets just say it was ...emotional to say the least. I have always known that the house meant a lot to me but I never took time too appreciate everything it offered to me. I miss it. I also miss my cat. Dumb I know but...I miss him a lot. I feel like everything is changing so rapidly I can't ever keep up with any of it. There is just too much to comprehend at a time.
I am so ready for the next phase of my life it's getting a little ridiculous. Weather it is marriage, a career, or simply living somewhere new I am ready for it. I feel so stuck these days. And don't get me wrong...I love Cedar. But I'm ready to progress.
I miss my cello like crazy but I can't bring myslef to play. I feel like I can't face the fact that I don't love it as much as I would like to. I need to get involved in lessons or something...I just don't know what.
And one last thought...Marriage works. It has to. Without it being true nothing I believe in the world matters.

Move #3

Well, Juniper Hall is officially closed down. We are getting kicked out this Sunday. Let me just say...God answers prayers. Victoria and I have been praying for a way out of this contract since the day we got here. I AM SO EXCITED!!! We went house shopping today with V's parents and we found the cutest apartment!! I am so excited for it :) We moved most of our stuff over earlier today but we still have some work to do. I am so blessed to have people like the Graffs in my life. I love them for everything they do for me.

Letters

Dear You,
I understand that you are unhappy. I understand that you aren't the best. I even understand that you can never be there for me...actually, I take that back. I will never understand that; And I don't care anymore. I'm done walking on egg-shells and pretending with you. I can't do it anymore. We're not friends...and we probably won't ever be. And I am okay with that. Now I need you to be okay with that. 
Love, Me

Dear You,
Why won't you just tell me? Are you ashamed? Scared I won't approve or will judge you for it? Well, guess what. I know. I know and yet, you still won't tell me. And you're right, I don't approve. But you have no reason to be ashamed and I have never judged you once. I wish you could trust me more.
Love, Me

Dear You, 
I wish you cared more. But I understand why you can't and why you had to leave. I just wish you could have over came it...for us.
Love, Me

Dear You,
Thank you for always being there for me. It means more than I can ever express... Thank you for never running out on me or judging me for my choices. Thank you for always sticking it out with me.
Love, Me

Dear You,
Stop being blind to your own problems and attacking everyone else s. I'm not a little girl anymore... Don't treat me like it.
Love, Me

Home

Where is home? I've always thought of Ivins, Utah as my home. I miss it. I don't think it's my 'home' anymore. By definition, 'home' is simply where one lives. I guess that means my home is now Cedar City... but it doesn't have the 'home' feeling. Another definition of 'home' was where ones family is. How can home be where your family is when they live all over the continent? My mother along with my sister, step-father, and step-family lives in Canada. That's 23 hours away by car (speeding). My brother along with the Blake side of the family lives scattered through out St. George, Utah. Most of my moms family has now dispersed throughout the country. My grandparents, however, still live in my old house in Ivins. I love that house. So the question arises again... Where is home?

My family.

My new dorm room.

Who Am I?

I have been having a really hard time lately deciding what major to declare now that I am in college. I have SO many interests I feel like I cant just choose one. Here are my options:

1. Aerospace Engineer

2. Sociologist/Social Worker

3. Medical Researcher (Cancer)

4. Forensic Anthropologist

5. Lawyer

There are so many other things that interest me but I can't think of them right now... I just want someone to come and say 'Hey Taylor! __________ is what you are supposed to do for the rest of your life!' ... Why can't that happen? Now, I know what my mom would tell me to do and I know what my step-dad would tell me to do but... Will I be happy doing those things?  I honestly don't know. I also feel myself being pulled in a completely opposite direction...music. I know that I am not the best at the cello or at piano... or even at singing. But, I do love it (most of the time). I have always wanted to own a concert hall/theater where prestigious players and orchestras can come and perform and I can just watch and listen. That's what I love most of all...listening and writing music. Once again, I am not the best composer but I LOVE it! The times when I am sad or stuck I always revert to my piano or cello to get it out of me. I feel stuck musically all the time and wish I knew the proper way of getting in on paper. If I would just take a music class I could figure all of these things out... Along with loving music I equally love the theater and being on stage. I love the stage more than just about anything. I love the thrill of performing and how you get to be someone completely new for the time being. My senior year of high school I attached myself to the theater in so many different ways I grew to love it. With both of these paths though, there is no money in the business... It makes me so sad to think that I might not ever get on stage again or perform again...

Me and my cello.

Cast of Stage Door

Me standing in the Julliard courtyard

Stuck

Do you ever feel stuck? Not only physically but emotionally, mentally, and creatively? I do ALL THE TIME!!!!! I'm not sure how to get un-stuck... but it better happen fast.

Strangers

I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life lately. Recently I have gotten a new step-family, a new school, and a new work place. I watch everyone around me and try to piece them into my life and decide how they affect me directly. Most people I come into contact with don't change anything about life. But, there are those rare instances when someone comes into your life for good. My mom's name is Marnie. She looks just like me but our personalities could not be different. She is always late, and I am always early. She loves being a kid, I want to grow up. We are very different; but, I love her. She and my dad, Gary, got a divorce just over a year ago. It was a positive thing. It needed to happen. But, it was very hard. I hated being in the middle of the problems and I hated the year after where almost all conversation focused around the divorce. My mom got remarried last March to Vance Gough. He is an incredible person. I had a hard time at first getting to let him, and his family, into my life. It was too hard for me to have a whole new family. He has two children. John, 16, and Kate, 14. I really love both of them. I wish I got to see that portion of my family more. They, along with my mom and sister (Allie), and soon brother (Jaden) are all living in Canada. While I am in America. It is very hard but I'm grateful for the experiance. My best friend is Victoria Graff. I met her during our freshman year of high school. We've had our ups and our downs. But, in the end we have always come back to each other. She isn't the typical friend. We spend almost all of our time together and never get sick of each other. We are currently living together at college and have loved it. I am so grateful for her and her influence in my life. She has taught me how to discover my self and how to love not only me but the rest of the world. She is probably one of the biggest influences in my life. I am so grateful for her in my life. I work for a family in town helping them around the house. The mom got very sick a few years ago and just needs help to get her home back on its feet. She has two daughters one, 14, and the other, 12. I love this family...and I don't know why. I really connected to them and love working for them. They are all so different and I love being around them. They own a lot of horses so we go riding a lot. I used to ride all the time. The phrase 'grew up in the saddle' was my life in a nut shell when I was 13. I stopped riding after an accident I had on a horse. The decision to stop riding was not mine...it was my parents. I loved it so much and have sincerely missed it all of these years. I have also recently started college. I love this school. I love learning and meeting everyone I can. There are people I run into and never see again. It's so hard going to school with almost 3,000 people. I have made some friends here and they are all incredible. I love spending time with them. Brothers Jo and John and cousin Kenny. This last year has been full of strangers. It has been so hard for me but, through everyone I have met, it has been possible to get through. I miss my old life of ease and comfort but I love the life lessons I've learned this past year.