Barf

You know that feeling? The one where you put yourself COMPLETELY on the line over and over and OVER again and what do you get from it? Well, you get screwed. That's what you get. I'm a stupid girl. Who fell (hard) for a stupid boy. And it sucks. ...I've never felt this way...so sad and hurt. And the best part? I. Cant. Even. Talk. About. It. Why? Because no one cares. No one wants to hear it. But...that's fine. I understand that I made the mistake and that everyone told me that it would end up this way. YOU WERE RIGHT. I'm just...trying to understand. Because I really don't know how to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? What's wrong with me? ...I thought I was good enough...I thought I was fun enough...apparently not. Whatever. This is just me....bitter party of one. Happy Valentines Day,

On a personal note

I take it back. All of it. I don't like Cedar. I don't like SUU. I don't know why I am here. I am very glad I had the experience and am grateful for it but seriously? Why? Why did I have to come here? I don't know.

Well, A lot has happened recently -

My roommate (and best friend) Victoria and I got in a car accident at the beginning of the month. Scariest moment of my life. We were headed north to go snowboarding for the night and a huge MONSTER deer jumped in front of us and totaled my car. I hate to see the car go but, i'm very grateful to still be alive. When you look at everything from start to finish of the accident there is no doubt that God's hand was involved. We wouldn't be alive today without his hand guiding us. One of the things about the accident that I have kept to myself is my full thought process through the whole thing. I've shared most of it but I have always left out a pretty significant part for fear of sounding 'stupid' or 'over-emtional'. But, I want to have it written down somewhere so...here it goes - It took me a few seconds to realize that we had actually been in an accident. I really didn't understand until Victoria started talking hysterically about a deer, my car, and asking if I was alright. I finally put the pieces together and realized we had to get out of the car right then for fear of a car hitting us from behind. I unbuckled myself and looked at Victoria, asking her if she was okay. She was holding her arms out with bad burns on them. I told her to get out of the car and she replied that she couldn't move. Now, this is the thought process I was talking about. I honestly thought that my best friend had been paralyzed in this car accident. This was the first thought about her and the first time I lost my 'cool' about the accident. I was, on the inside, losing it. I didn't want to show her the fear so I pushed through it and kept my head. I weighed the pros and cons of simply pushing her out of the car versus climbing over her and keeping her in the car until the paramedics could reach us. This was the first time I had been faced with a very real (to me) possibility that Victoria could really be hurt. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do about it. Eventually the fear of getting hit from the back on a freeway took ahold of me and I reached over, unbuckled her and pushed her out of the car. She walked. So many emotions went running through my body just then. The loss of my car (which meant a great deal to me), the relief of having my best friend being able to walk and facing the reality that she and I could have died. God is wonderful. Yes I sometimes wish this accident hadn't have happened. But, at the same time, I am so grateful to have a new understanding of my friendship with Victoria, a new understanding of my own life, and being forced to realized just how many people in this world care about my well-being. I am truly humbled by and grateful for all of the incredible people who stepped up to the plate and helped us through that event. This is one event in my life that I will not forget as long as I live. God has plans for both Victoria and I ... and I am determined to find out what that purpose is.

This is the photo of Candice when it happened.
I was shaking too much to get a clear picture.

This is a few days after at the tow yard.

And this is Victoria using the car accident excuse to get a chair - brilliant.

Getting it out

This could be a little messy...

I love Cedar City. I love it so much. I am so incredibly sick of this school though. There are only a few friends who are actually keeping me here next semester...well and the location. I have fallen in love with this area. I actually LIKE the cold sometimes.. miracle I know. I also really REALLY like my new apartment. It's so homey and nice...I seriously could stay there all day.
So, this past week was Thanksgiving (and my birthday!). I honestly love Thanksgiving with all of my heart. It was off this year though...the vibe was very different. It was weird without my mom and Allie there and this was the first year it wasn't held in my own house. This year everyone stayed either at Grandmas house or at Erin's new apartment. I miss having my own space in St. George...I didn't think that it would make me so sad to not have the house there anymore... My home is officially Cedar now. I drove by my house while I was in town and lets just say it was ...emotional to say the least. I have always known that the house meant a lot to me but I never took time too appreciate everything it offered to me. I miss it. I also miss my cat. Dumb I know but...I miss him a lot. I feel like everything is changing so rapidly I can't ever keep up with any of it. There is just too much to comprehend at a time.
I am so ready for the next phase of my life it's getting a little ridiculous. Weather it is marriage, a career, or simply living somewhere new I am ready for it. I feel so stuck these days. And don't get me wrong...I love Cedar. But I'm ready to progress.
I miss my cello like crazy but I can't bring myslef to play. I feel like I can't face the fact that I don't love it as much as I would like to. I need to get involved in lessons or something...I just don't know what.
And one last thought...Marriage works. It has to. Without it being true nothing I believe in the world matters.

Move #3

Well, Juniper Hall is officially closed down. We are getting kicked out this Sunday. Let me just say...God answers prayers. Victoria and I have been praying for a way out of this contract since the day we got here. I AM SO EXCITED!!! We went house shopping today with V's parents and we found the cutest apartment!! I am so excited for it :) We moved most of our stuff over earlier today but we still have some work to do. I am so blessed to have people like the Graffs in my life. I love them for everything they do for me.

Letters

Dear You,
I understand that you are unhappy. I understand that you aren't the best. I even understand that you can never be there for me...actually, I take that back. I will never understand that; And I don't care anymore. I'm done walking on egg-shells and pretending with you. I can't do it anymore. We're not friends...and we probably won't ever be. And I am okay with that. Now I need you to be okay with that. 
Love, Me

Dear You,
Why won't you just tell me? Are you ashamed? Scared I won't approve or will judge you for it? Well, guess what. I know. I know and yet, you still won't tell me. And you're right, I don't approve. But you have no reason to be ashamed and I have never judged you once. I wish you could trust me more.
Love, Me

Dear You, 
I wish you cared more. But I understand why you can't and why you had to leave. I just wish you could have over came it...for us.
Love, Me

Dear You,
Thank you for always being there for me. It means more than I can ever express... Thank you for never running out on me or judging me for my choices. Thank you for always sticking it out with me.
Love, Me

Dear You,
Stop being blind to your own problems and attacking everyone else s. I'm not a little girl anymore... Don't treat me like it.
Love, Me

Home

Where is home? I've always thought of Ivins, Utah as my home. I miss it. I don't think it's my 'home' anymore. By definition, 'home' is simply where one lives. I guess that means my home is now Cedar City... but it doesn't have the 'home' feeling. Another definition of 'home' was where ones family is. How can home be where your family is when they live all over the continent? My mother along with my sister, step-father, and step-family lives in Canada. That's 23 hours away by car (speeding). My brother along with the Blake side of the family lives scattered through out St. George, Utah. Most of my moms family has now dispersed throughout the country. My grandparents, however, still live in my old house in Ivins. I love that house. So the question arises again... Where is home?

My family.

My new dorm room.

Who Am I?

I have been having a really hard time lately deciding what major to declare now that I am in college. I have SO many interests I feel like I cant just choose one. Here are my options:

1. Aerospace Engineer

2. Sociologist/Social Worker

3. Medical Researcher (Cancer)

4. Forensic Anthropologist

5. Lawyer

There are so many other things that interest me but I can't think of them right now... I just want someone to come and say 'Hey Taylor! __________ is what you are supposed to do for the rest of your life!' ... Why can't that happen? Now, I know what my mom would tell me to do and I know what my step-dad would tell me to do but... Will I be happy doing those things?  I honestly don't know. I also feel myself being pulled in a completely opposite direction...music. I know that I am not the best at the cello or at piano... or even at singing. But, I do love it (most of the time). I have always wanted to own a concert hall/theater where prestigious players and orchestras can come and perform and I can just watch and listen. That's what I love most of all...listening and writing music. Once again, I am not the best composer but I LOVE it! The times when I am sad or stuck I always revert to my piano or cello to get it out of me. I feel stuck musically all the time and wish I knew the proper way of getting in on paper. If I would just take a music class I could figure all of these things out... Along with loving music I equally love the theater and being on stage. I love the stage more than just about anything. I love the thrill of performing and how you get to be someone completely new for the time being. My senior year of high school I attached myself to the theater in so many different ways I grew to love it. With both of these paths though, there is no money in the business... It makes me so sad to think that I might not ever get on stage again or perform again...

Me and my cello.

Cast of Stage Door

Me standing in the Julliard courtyard