Barf

You know that feeling? The one where you put yourself COMPLETELY on the line over and over and OVER again and what do you get from it? Well, you get screwed. That's what you get. I'm a stupid girl. Who fell (hard) for a stupid boy. And it sucks. ...I've never felt this way...so sad and hurt. And the best part? I. Cant. Even. Talk. About. It. Why? Because no one cares. No one wants to hear it. But...that's fine. I understand that I made the mistake and that everyone told me that it would end up this way. YOU WERE RIGHT. I'm just...trying to understand. Because I really don't know how to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? What's wrong with me? ...I thought I was good enough...I thought I was fun enough...apparently not. Whatever. This is just me....bitter party of one. Happy Valentines Day,

On a personal note

I take it back. All of it. I don't like Cedar. I don't like SUU. I don't know why I am here. I am very glad I had the experience and am grateful for it but seriously? Why? Why did I have to come here? I don't know.

Well, A lot has happened recently -

My roommate (and best friend) Victoria and I got in a car accident at the beginning of the month. Scariest moment of my life. We were headed north to go snowboarding for the night and a huge MONSTER deer jumped in front of us and totaled my car. I hate to see the car go but, i'm very grateful to still be alive. When you look at everything from start to finish of the accident there is no doubt that God's hand was involved. We wouldn't be alive today without his hand guiding us. One of the things about the accident that I have kept to myself is my full thought process through the whole thing. I've shared most of it but I have always left out a pretty significant part for fear of sounding 'stupid' or 'over-emtional'. But, I want to have it written down somewhere so...here it goes - It took me a few seconds to realize that we had actually been in an accident. I really didn't understand until Victoria started talking hysterically about a deer, my car, and asking if I was alright. I finally put the pieces together and realized we had to get out of the car right then for fear of a car hitting us from behind. I unbuckled myself and looked at Victoria, asking her if she was okay. She was holding her arms out with bad burns on them. I told her to get out of the car and she replied that she couldn't move. Now, this is the thought process I was talking about. I honestly thought that my best friend had been paralyzed in this car accident. This was the first thought about her and the first time I lost my 'cool' about the accident. I was, on the inside, losing it. I didn't want to show her the fear so I pushed through it and kept my head. I weighed the pros and cons of simply pushing her out of the car versus climbing over her and keeping her in the car until the paramedics could reach us. This was the first time I had been faced with a very real (to me) possibility that Victoria could really be hurt. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do about it. Eventually the fear of getting hit from the back on a freeway took ahold of me and I reached over, unbuckled her and pushed her out of the car. She walked. So many emotions went running through my body just then. The loss of my car (which meant a great deal to me), the relief of having my best friend being able to walk and facing the reality that she and I could have died. God is wonderful. Yes I sometimes wish this accident hadn't have happened. But, at the same time, I am so grateful to have a new understanding of my friendship with Victoria, a new understanding of my own life, and being forced to realized just how many people in this world care about my well-being. I am truly humbled by and grateful for all of the incredible people who stepped up to the plate and helped us through that event. This is one event in my life that I will not forget as long as I live. God has plans for both Victoria and I ... and I am determined to find out what that purpose is.

This is the photo of Candice when it happened.
I was shaking too much to get a clear picture.

This is a few days after at the tow yard.

And this is Victoria using the car accident excuse to get a chair - brilliant.